Breaking It Down

A view of Belief, Confusion & Acceptance

In the Beginning

As a child I was raised in a Catholic household that held the beliefs that you would be forgiven each week of sins committed.

I attended Catechism classes once a week and as a child of 5 or 6 was stuffed upside down in a trash basket being held by my ankles to learn a lesson {forgotten} by Father Alberts who was a really good priest that I held in great regard for many years.

Growing up in the 1960’s in a Catholic household was an experience in inclusion to say the least. After church on Sunday morning we would go home, change in our converse high tops and jeans and rush outside to play.

This lasted for about an hour or so before Dad’s friends would start to show up for the traditional afternoon of euchre playing and beer drinking.

This was a signal to be in front of the house as when Dad’s friends would show up they seemed to always give us a $5 bill and make their way inside. We on the other hand would bee line it to the neighborhood corner store for candy and soda’s. {5 dollars in the 60’s was a fortune in the candy store!}

Church services slowed down for us thru the years as Dad wouldn’t make the effort to go and didn’t enforce it on us so needless to say we as children didn’t want to sit in church and listen to a boring sermon of 50 ways to enter hell followed by 1000 reasons to give money to the church. You read that correctly-more than half of the time spent in service was hearing how the church needed money for whatever.

Teen Years

By the time 1974 came around I was 15 years old and trying to figure out life’s mystery’s such as not worrying about my peers opinions of me, believing in myself, why girls don’t like me etc… I never had time for the church anymore.

In January of that year my dad passed from a heart attack at the age of 55. Did I believe then? I don’t know, what I do know is that on my way home from school I passed a tavern about 2 blocks from our house and a neighbor that was drunk came out of the bar and told me to “Get your ass home, your Dad’s dead.”

The next week went by in a blur and I withdrew from family and friends. I was in shock and depressed but back then there wasn’t much to be done for it except move on.

My mother tried to get me counseling from the Catholic church but again the priest {who was in his twenties} could only offer guitar playing and songs. No help from religion to be found here.

I put distance between me and family and found marijuana and a pill now forgotten called Rorer 714, a powerful quaalude that quickly and magically helped me slip into darkness and be free of the pain..

Enter Thunderbird and Richards wild irish rose, both rot gut wines that destroyed all feelings except the terrible retching from throwing it back up.

And So It Goes…

The next series of life’s growing pains lasted for another 6-7 years while I tried to figure out who I was and why I was. A drug induced haze found me dropping out of high school and drifting around the country learning from a wide variety of individuals and a very diverse set of cultures.

Adult Life

The end of the 70’s decade found me back in my hometown and running with abandonment. I would work everyday and spend non working hours bouncing from bar to bar to home parties and concerts all the while consuming as many drugs and whiskey as I could before passing out in a stupor. Wake up and repeat.

In this state of bliss I found my wife one day while at lunch. I jumped into her car with some friends and we hit Chronister’s pharmacy where we bought a half gallon of peppermint schnapps and drank it all in a half hour lunch break. It soon became apparent that we both loved to party and the next 15 years I put her and our marriage to the test.

I became an over the road truck driver and would crisscross the country for a couple of months before returning home to “rest” which meant party as much as possible while there. Alcohol along with LSD, cocaine and speed became my regular diet. Religion…not so much.

The 1980-90’s took me from NYC to San Francisco, Boston to El Paso, Miami to Seattle, you get the jest… I partied in all of these places and talked to many people from a variety of lifestyles and found that most everyone had an opinion on religion. Some would patiently refer you to a verse or chapter of the bible while others would deny GOD with a passion. I took all of the views and thought them through to find my inner peace.

Let’s Fight

Fast forward to 2007. I was living on the Alabama river outside of Montgomery and living life as a functional alcoholic driving a tri-axle dump truck and operating heavy equipment. I got wasted really hard one night in March and got into an argument with our Lord as to why I couldn’t have the riches I thought I deserved.

I got seriously nasty and shouted things that must have upset him as when I gave him my ultimatum, “Give me a sign you are for real or I’ll give my soul to the Devil!” Will let me tell you one thing for certain! “Don’t try this at home people.”

Less than a week later I went to one knee and experienced pain as I have never known, and I have known some bad pain such as gunshots, major operations, head injuries etc… I ended up in a hospital in Prattville AL {with no insurance} and spent a week with tubes up my ass cheek and ports in my chest.

They drained a abscess on my intestinal wall for 4-5 days and then sent me home. I was at work about a week later when the pain hit again but this time I knew what was happening so I went to another hospital in Montgomery called Baptist South {One of the worst experiences of my life}.

I was given a emergency colostomy and received a bag to display for all to see. I was told that it would be reversed in 3 months and the problem would be solved. WRONG!!! When the time came I went under my second op which lasted 4 hours only to be told it was unsuccessful and I would wear this bag for the rest of my life.

End Results

In 2010 I was once again in my hometown when a nurse at the free clinc told my neice to send me down to receive free bags as I had no insurance. One look at my stoma and the nurse flipped out refering me to Dr. Marks.

This doctor asked me a couple of questions and told me to come back in a week thus allowing him time to get my records and look them over.

I went back and he told me that I should have never had the operation in the first place and yes he would reverse it.

I was ecstatic at the least but still had doubts. My 3rd operation took place on October 11 th 2010 and I spent another week in the hospital waiting to have a bowel movement.

Upon release I started living a normal life once more. {Dr. Marks preformed this op knowing I didn’t have insurance and for $800 put me back together.}

I have found my faith over the years to be inconsistent to say the least and as abusive as I have been, I believe I have been forgiven of my sins and offered a new start.

Our Lord and savior is all forgiving and offers compassionate love to all who will accept it but dig this… If you need to separate church and faith to understand and love GOD so be it. DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. Find the peace in your heart and believe.